Fearful and Vain
Updated: Jun 25, 2020
Grief is fearful & vain too, isn't it?
You aren't just mourning an adored person, lost. You are also mourning the fact that they were witness to you and to your life.
The fact that he was here proves I was here. Terry & Kate, Kate & Terry. That's the way it has been for so long. There's narcissism involved in grieving. I'm heartsick that none of my holiday photos will have Terry in them now. I'm also sad that I won't be in any either, since he was the photographer. He took the best pictures of me. I had a way of looking when he was behind the lens.
However, it is absolutely true that the one you've lost carries you through it. Not, for me, in any mystical way. But if they have spent years on your side, hoping for your success, and being your steady cheerleader, then you don't, suddenly, stop hearing that voice. You only hear it louder.
One of us was always going to be bereft. It is probably best it wasn't Terry. He had no shell. But he did surprise me sometimes. Sure, he was bewildered by tricksters from time to time, but when he lost his magical boy, Joseph, he got up and got through each day. That in itself is a superpower. He has been lending it to me.